Dear Not Enough,
You look in the mirror. Biting your lip, you place your hand on your head. The sounds of flirtatious whistles resonate in your mind. The touch after you’ve said stop trembles across your skin. The words fat, ugly, unlovable, and not enough begin to paint themselves on the reflection you see. You turn to the side hoping my profile would give you some sense of satisfaction, only touch you’re belly and say “Woah, this is getting out of hand.” Unhappy, no satisfaction is found. With an empty stomach you escape to the gym. You exhaust yourself until stars cloud your vision, yet smile at every familiar face you see. Afraid to be called out, your pain is silenced by fear.
When night falls and the curtain closes, you’re all done performing your best act to the world, a facade. Your mouth begins to consume the comfort your heart cries out for. Once again you give in, you tune out the rest of the world, and step into the waters of Bulimia. You lose control and it happens so fast. The discomfort overpowers you and you fall weak once more. You’ve inhaled the world’s standards of beauty and begin to exhale your uniqueness, gifts, and value. The purge takes place and your pain is silenced by shame.
You take a shower hoping to ease your mind. With tears flowing your hands gently tremble over every stretch mark, every blemish… every imperfection. One minute. Three minutes. Five. You find yourself scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing. Eight minutes. Ten minutes. Twelve. You find yourself still scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing. Our hearts race to the beat of the same drum. We both breathe uncontrollably. Fifteen minutes. Eighteen minutes, Twenty. You’re drowning in the waters of this sickness. The beating gets louder. You cry “They won’t come off”. I desperately want to intervene, but I know this is a battle you must fight through. Despite losing weight, since my journey has started, it seems like they’ve multiplied haunting, taunting, mocking you. You open your mouth to scream for help, but nothing comes out of your mouth. Zipped lips. You’re drowning in the waters of this sickness and your pain is silenced by pride.
Underneath the waters, you look up and hear God’s voice “You are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made daughter. I make no mistakes”. He reaches out his hands lifting you up. You smile and let His love wrap its’ arms around me. The same waters that suffocated you, now empower me. After a year you mistered up the courage to enter counseling and I rejoiced. You can love everyone else, but I need you to love me. While some of your days are harder than others. Do me a favor… never stop fighting to find and you’re your voice. No more saying yes to everybody but yourself. No more excuses No more silence; unzip your lips.
Love A Queen Who Is Becoming
Two years ago I found myself in the battle of my life against bulimia, depression, anxiety, and trying to heal from sexual assault. After entering counseling and focusing on my overall health I am stronger than ever. I am thankful for my scars because they are signs that healing has taken place. This week, continue to practice self-love by focusing on your emotional and mental well-being!!! You are a priority and deserve to treat yourself as such.
Two things you can do are:
- Be your biggest supporter, not your own worst critique.
- Feed yourself positive affirmations and declarations DAILY. (“I’m proud of you”; “I love you”; “You cute boo”; “Keep going. You can do it”)
- Make a list of your accomplishments & Celebrate every step you make towards reaching your goals; don’t wait until you reach the destination.
- Change your phone and laptop screensavers to positive inspirational quotes to keep you going
- Follow empowering pages on social media like Built by Flaws and Beautifully Flawed to keep you motivated and reminded of your worth throughout the day J
- Never internalize your pain. Speak Out!
- Break the stigma and ask for help from a coach, a mental health professional, or someone you trust to support you in your journey
- Journal it out, Sing it Out, Dance it Out, Paint it Out, Cry it out, but never stop pressing to Work it Out!
- Set S.M.A.R.T (Smart, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, Time-bound) Goals & tell an accountability partner
There are many ways that you can practice self-care mentally and emotionally, but these are my Top 2. We would love to hear some of your self-care tips in this area that you practice, so be sure to comment below.
If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, seek help immediately. Go and visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ to find reputable help and support, get involved, and donate to expand vital outreach programs.